Friday, March 13, 2009

It's not what you think

Continued from...

The Queen was supervising the installation of the King's new exercise room with the King's newly hired personal trainer when the King walked in.

"Oh, husband, such a pleasure to see you!" effused the Queen, "This is Amanda, your new personal trainer. She's going to help you get back into shape!"

Amanda took one look at the King and said to the Queen, "Shocking, isn't it, that you've let your husband run to rot. But don't worry, I'll soon have him back in shape."

The King was not impressed by this, and was even less enthused when Amanda proceeded to walk over to him and pinch his admittedly large belly. "Guards!" he roared, "Off with her head!"

Bounded into the room immediately hundreds of guards who attempted to off with her head, but she did some crouching and hiding and then some karate moves and the guards retreated strategically to a corner of the room and cowered behind an unfinished bar bell installation.

The king was not impressed, and roared "Amanda! I command you to get my guards into shape before you even think of dealing with me!" He chortled as he said this, and before the Queen could protest he flashed her the secret sign (two pastrami sandwiches on rye with mustard, pickle, and fries on the side, plus a large Sprechers root beer) that meant, "Be careful woman, you're next!" She was careful, and realized that sometimes you lose a battle or two in the war that is marriage. The King, emboldened by his success, began to mutter something about making sausage legal again, but the Queen flashed him her own secret sign (a fried egg sandwich with mayo and a green-colored healthy drink) that meant, "You won that one buddy, but you try any more tricks and you'll regret it." The King reflected that he had at least fought off the enemies latest salvo, and comforted himself with the thought that there was always another day.

Meanwhile, the impersonator was having his own problems. He had just discovered that his only living relative was rich and determined to not include the impersonator in his will. The impersonator was of course quite perturbed at this state of affairs, even if they didn't really change anything. You see, that morning he had received a phone call from a lawyer in darkest Africa who said, "I'd like to inform you that your long-lost great uncle Fred-"

"Who?" asked the impersonator, "who's my great uncle Fred?"

The lawyer said, "He's your great great uncle Charles' only son."

"I didn't know Charles had a son!" said the impersonator, "and by the way, what ever happened to good 'ol Charlie?" The attorney informed him that Charles was dead. The impersonator expressed suitable condolences, and then asked the attorney what the purpose of his phone call was.

"Well, as you may or may not know," explained the attorney, "your great great uncle Charles was an extremely wealthy man. When he died he left you half his estate, on the condition that his son Fred was interested in sharing it with you. Fred isn't, and therefore you won't be seeing a penny."

The impersonator asked, "So why did you have to tell me this?"

"Because," replied the attorney, "I told Fred I would do it for him."

A few hours later the King, excited with his new-found sense of power, ambles down to the local pub. The impersonator had the same idea, though it was caused by a different idea, and the two met there. The King told the impersonator all the latest news, and asked him what he thought. The impersonator laughed at the King's naïveté, and said, "You think you'll be done with Amanda so quickly? She's the most persistent woman in the kingdom!"

"Are you kidding me?" scoffed the King, "Have you ever met my wife?"

"I don't know about that," replied the impersonator, "but I do know that Amanda has never not gotten her way in her life, so if I was you I'd be careful. Besides, she controls the purse strings for now."

The King thought this over for a minute while the impersonator nursed his Guinness, and then said, "Hmm, interesting. Very interesting. Seems to me that you might just be correct. But how do you know?"

"Ahh," replied the impersonator, "that would be telling."

Indeed it would.

To be continued...

25 comments:

EndOfWorld said...

Do you really think that this is what marriage is like? You may need some heavy premarital counseling then....

le7 said...

Hmm, here I was just reading it as a moshul I didn't understand.

Yeah TRS you might need some herbal therapy!

The Real Shliach said...

EOW: you're providing?

le7: you don't get it?
And yes, maybe some herbs would help my cold.

le7 said...

Not really.

The Real Shliach said...

Huh?

le7 said...

I not really don't get it.

The Real Shliach said...

Oh.

The Real Shliach said...

So you get it?

le7 said...

So I don't get it.

The Real Shliach said...

Hilarious we are.

e said...

discreet you are not.

le7 said...

No, I really didn't get it.

e said...

Regardless of your getting it or lack thereof, this whole conversation was WAY indiscreet. But whatever. Who am I do get involved in your discretion or lack thereof?

le7 said...

It was not indiscreet.

e said...

fine. you win. It's your discretion.

I just posted at eholdsforth.blogspot.com

sarabonne said...

this is hilarious....

The Real Shliach said...

e: how was this not discreet?
Sara: glad someone thinks so

e said...

I'd be super indiscreet if I spelled it out, but if you want...

e said...

Me and TRS worked it out. You weren't indiscreet. yay you. Grovel do I grovel.

le7 said...

Huh?

e said...

I misunderstood what was going on and thought there was indiscretion. But there wasn't

sarabonne said...

ah the woes and joys of miscommunication. Makes life interesting, no?

e said...

and every now and then leads to a large scale war. (If this was the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, I'd go off on a tangent about some idyllic alien civilization that was ruined by miscommunication.)

Cheerio said...

this was freaking hysterical. as a moshul, it kinda creeps me out, though.
but lines like "the war that is marriage", or secret sandwich signals, or the impersonater's relative Fred (who, btw, would not be his great uncle, but rather his second cousin once removed) - BRILLIANCE.

The Real Shliach said...

Thank you :)