PSA: Purim Safety

PSA: (Which stands for public service announcement):
When packing your shalach manos, please keep the following in mind

1) Do not pack any homemade products. We shudder just thinking of what went into these. As in, your hands. Gross. Even before the door clicks shut we've already tossed them. And I dont mean into our mouths.
2) Do not try to save money by buying a cosco size box of hamentaschen and then individually wrapping them in cellophane. They meet the same fate as #1.
3) Do not not not not not label your packages with those annoying unpeelable labels that leave marks when we try to pry them off. Its unfair.
4) Themes. Feh. What took you 15.7 hours to prepare, takes us exactly 8.6 seconds to disassemble: 5.6 to pick out the good stuff and 3 to pass on to the next friend(unless you use the aforementioned labels. So don't).

Please keep these common courtesies in mind and we'll all have a more pleasant experience. Better yet, just slip cash under our door.

Cooking for Wimps

We studied the cake, then simultaneously exchanged glances. She cast a sideways glance at the cake, wilting on the counter. The cake wobbled sympathetically in my direction, attempting to lend moral support. It nearly fell off. Finally, she broke the silence.

“So…What is it?”
“A cake! What did you think it was? For goodness sake! It’s in a cake pan.”
“True. (pause) (throat clearing). So…If it’s a cake…”
“Yes. A Chocolate cake.”
“Chocolate. Right. So why is it so…so…flat. And why is it so…so…wobbly?”
“Well, I was trying something new and…”
(pause. sighs all around. More wobbling from the cake)
“Look, EndofWorld…”
“Yes?”
“I know you love to try things out.”
“Yes?”
“And I know, as your mom, I’m supposed to foster creativity…”
“Yes?”
“Look, I know it’s hard to reign in all that talent. When you get older, you’ll be able to [diplomatic pause] experiment as much as you like. In your own kitchen.”

As predictions go, that was a pretty good one. Of course, it would have helped had I paid attention to the big, red DIRE that was flashing in front of it. Don’t think I blame my mom. Personally, I would have put a combination lock on the kitchen after experiment number seven, and there she was, patiently discussing #17. At the very least, it was a subtle attempt to divert my attention away from the fact that when she said, “Let’s put it on the side to cool,” she really meant, “Turn around so I can throw it out without feeling guilty.” My mom was great with that kind of psychology.

But I vowed to prove her wrong.

I vowed that when I got married, no matter how great the temptation or lack of ingredients, I would follow the recipe. Okay, it was more of a promise, barring earthquakes, tsunamis and boredom. And only if I really kept off those 7 pounds.

This lasted up until I met the poetic cook who, upon failing to launch his poetic career, turned to pasta instead. Alas, I learned too late that when he wrote “Salt the water so it tastes like the sea,” he wasn’t referring to the Dead Sea.

In any case, as I scraped that disaster into the bin, I vowed to turn over a new leaf. Again. Which would probably mean that I would have to turn it over twice to see any real changes. This vow lasted an admirable three days until I ran out oil. That’s when the fun began…

They lurk in the background, blending into graffiti stained walls and piles of three day old pizza cartons. With nothing but their keen eyes, saber sharp wit and assorted writing utensils (including, but not limited to palm, iphone, pen, keyboard and the occasional ketchup packet) they seek to bring a blinding new creativity to the masses. The blogsphere (and spell check) holds its collective breathe as it watches, and waits to see what they will accomplish.

They are...
*cue the music*