People are Stupid

On Friday, I was looking at some bagels in a swanky Manhattan grocery. See I this sign:

$0.39 each

3/$1.19

OK folks, do the math. 3*$0.39 is $1.17. So you lose two cents if you buy your bagels in groups of three. 

Two Euphemisms I Invented this Morning in the Shower

Don't say, "He trims his beard." Nope, he "engages in scissors-facilitated picking."

Nobody shaves. They just "engage in extreme trimming."

A (Slightly) Dramatized Version of How I Joined the Ranks of the Unemployed

(Commenters: don't mention the names of any people or organizations mentioned herein. The shred of anonymity must remain intact. If you don't understand what I'm talking about, feel free to send me an e-mail.)

Me (after a long day at school): Well, it's only 12:30. I have a full seven hours until I need to get up again. Let me go to the office and spread truth and light throughout the land!

(Five minutes later, in front of my computer and a precariously balanced stack of books)
Me: What does she want to know? Jewish foot washing practices in the first century? Oy. I have no koach for this type of stuff. I'll get back to her later. Hmm, who's next on the list? This guy needs a comprehensive enumeration of all 248 limbs in the human body. Darn. No way I can do that tonight. OK. This next customer has already been waiting for a while for an explanation of Chabad's view of Reform and Conservative. (It's real simple, but the simple explanation is not for public consumption.) I'll tackle this one tonight.

(Three hours later) Yaaaaaaawwwwnnn I think I'll go to bed, but first I got to check my gmail.

(Two hours later) I think I'll go to bed, but first I got to check CrownHeights.info. Hmmm... business as usual. Shomrim is apprehending perps. NYPD is arresting public spirited individuals and and freeing said perps. A rabbinical rising star in Lubavitch is expressing profound and pertinent thoughts of Jewish import by means of the conduit of words which are humble, unostentatious, unpretentious, and simple. Yep, business as usual.

(The next day in school)
My funny math professor with a hilarious Caribbean accent: We are gonna haf da quiz now.
Me (beginning to feel separation anxiety as I put away my calculator): !!!

(That night)
Me: All those pure and innocent people are waiting for my pearls of wisdom. Of course I need to do 85 algebra problems, 23 calculus problems, read 40 pages of chem, and listen to 13 songs for music class. But first a quick trip to the office.

(Same computer, bigger and more precarious pile of books)
Oh No. That guy who wanted to know where to put the mezuzah on his octagonal-shaped doorway leading to his garage which occasionally serves as a guest house wrote back. And there's another OCD frummie who needs a lomdisheh explanation why Chabad is matir flushing the toilet on Shabbos. Then I got to explain why Daniel 9:13 is not referring to JC, plus help him find the verse which says something to the effect of "Jerusalem shall be a refuge." He's sure he's come across it somewhere, but he's not sure where. Well, neither am I! Then this other dude wants to know if the Talmud has anything to say about callouses and what is the precise definition of the Hebrew root "DBR." He's come across it in Leviticus a couple of times and doesn't trust those Christians that it really means "to say." Wouldn't it be a more accurate representation of the word of G-d to render it into English as "to relate, to express vocally, to transmit by means of speech, to verbalize"? Plus there's all those people whom I ignored last night. Yessiree, it's gonna be a long night. I'll just quickly check my e-mail before another grueling night of enlightening the masses...

As you can well imagine, the work was piling up. If the number of unanswered questions was plotted on a graph as a function of the time that had elapsed since I joined City College [Q(t)], it would look like a graceful exponential equation. Q(t) was actually beginning to resemble a vertical asymptote. I knew that if something didn't happen quick, I'd become undefined. So I did what I do best. I kratzed. Then I got a call from The Boss. He wanted an definition. So I defined it. In short, I told him the immortal words, "You can't fire me. I quit." To which he responded with the immortal words, "It's been nice knowing you. All the best in your future endeavors."

Now I am a free man, unfettered by work and responsibility. Of course I'm also heading towards poverty. If you plot my predicted finances as a function of time [$(t)], you'd get a mercilessly straight line, with a fearfully steep negative slope [$'(t) < 0]. And it won't settle into any horizontal asymptotes. It's gonna go straight into the fourth quadrant without flinching.

So please, O great and merciful G-d, Define $(t) piecwisely! May $(t) soon reach a point of discontinuity! May $(the very near future) < 0, and sharply concave upwards, with the finding of new employment, speedily in our days (in the first quadrant), amen kein yehi ratzon!

(OK. I admit it. I threw that in all this math junk because I was jealous of the chemists who were discussing beautiful acids.)

Do you find the Biblical talk annoying?

Hear my voice, O dwellers of the basements
Those of the subterranean Heights, hearken to my words
Jubilation springeth forth from City College
Joyous students stream from her hallowed halls

The examination has come
Yet we have prevailed
Demonstrate have we demonstrated our knowledge
Of the chemicals on G-d's green earth
With aught but my calculator
And a periodic table
Percent abundances have been figured
And out of grams, have moles been extracted
Ions have been named
And molecules have been formulized
Milliliters have become cubic feet
While the gram becomes a pound
Perish have they perished
All the figures of insignificance
For they have distanced themselves from the point

Come has the chemistry test come
And passed have I passed

See y'all later!

Sarabonne's post about her Internet and Le7's continuing chemistry and calculus drama have inspired me to take a drastic step: from now until next Thursday night, after I finish my chemistry exam, I will have nothing to do with the blogosphere. I'm also signing out of gmail chat. No, I'm not going invisible. I'm freaking signing out.

I love y'all, but there are priorities: Schoolwork uber alles!