Sunday, April 26, 2009


Key: e. TRS le7 Sarabonne Dovid Mottel Cheerio Crawling Axe Sef

Eric ran for all he was worth. Suddenly, he was hit by the front-end loader he had been chased by and landed in a nearby ditch. He landed flat on his rather plump posterior and was more shocked than injured.
He cursed the heavens and rummaged around for his monocle.

"What kind of job is this for a nice Jewish boy wearing a tweed jacket, suspenders, hair-plugs, and a monocle anyway?" he wondered. Reaching into his coat pocket for his inhaler, Eric felt something warm and wet oozing onto his fingers. Eric pulled out his monocle, and popped it into his eye socket. And then he saw the rhino. Knees buckled, he ran for Tijuana. And promptly fell flat on his face, it's hard to run with buckled legs.

"What the hell is going on here," he muttered to himself, as blood dripped from his fingers, his monocle fell to the ground, his suspenders snapped, and he noticed--for the first time--that the rhino and the front-end loader were both gone. Ira Eric Green was definitely beginning to have second thoughts about his new "legitimate" career as a stunt double. It wasn't only the danger involved; the pay was shoddy, and it left him with no time for his true love, competitive matzah ball eating.
Fluffy white ones, little brown hard ones, stuffed with ground beef and jalapeno, fried with mango sauce... whenever Ira thought about matzah balls, he could barely contain himself...

Slowly the world came back in focus as Ira settled down from the trip - taking matza balls laced with acid, was not good for ones health. "Could this be the cause of my tinnitus?” Ira thought, suddenly remembering his trip to Prague as a representative to Russian mafia.

Little did Ira Eric Green know that the high-pitched beeping noise he had been hearing since that trip was really a result of a tracking device that had been installed during the night he had stayed in a sleazy Russian hotel. As Ira slowly rose to his feet, perhaps a cup of coffee would help stable his blurred vision and pounding headache.

Sipping his coffee, he moseyed over to the calendar to see when the next matzah-ball-eating competition would be. As he began searching through the dates, he discovered that the next contest would be in three days. He sipped his coffee, added a fourth teaspoon of sugar and then noticed where the contest would take place. "The Brooklyn City Hospital- front parking lot", he read off the notice. "Oh dear", he thought, "talk about flirting with the past." He slurped down the rest of his coffee and gave a loud belch.

A man standing next to him said, "My dear sir, that was absolutely disgusting, I've never been so offended in my life!"

He looked over at the man and said "How in tarnation did you get inside my kitchen?"

"Your kitchen!" the man roared, "who do you think you are, making horrible noises and then thinking you own this place? Be gone!"

"Security?" said Eric Ira Green, with a slight bit of annoyance in his voice, "Can we get this guy off the set?"

Ira "Eric" Green wagged his head and blinked a few times, trying to dispell the image of the man standing in his kitchen. "Guess acid takes longer to wear off then they said in that recipe book," he muttered to himself, shaking his head harder and faster back and forth. Suddenly, something dislodged itself from his ear and fell to the floor with the quietest of smashing sounds.

"Oh no!" Ira cried, "my prized platinum stud has fallen out! Whatever shall I do?" (Too bad Ira doesn't know what a stud is).

Suddenly, Ira realized that his tinnitus was gone. Ah, and there was that bloody rhino again. "Damn, the acid flashes are getting worse! Well I better rest up and hope this wears off before the competion", he thought yawning and lying down.
Ira heard the instructions from his CIA handler over the earpiece he had inserted back into his ear (where else), and proceeded to the rendezvous point three miles out of town to the left of the Alterra coffee where the wild things were. (Or so he dreamed in his long, deep slumber.) Ira blinked as he saw himself in a boat on a river, with tangerine trees and marmalade skies - from afar somebody called him, so he answered quite slowly,to a girl with kaleidoscope eyes.

She sang to him,

"You're so vain You probably think this song is about you You're so vain I'll bet you think this song is about you Don't you? Don't you?"

and then ran off.

Ira tried to look for his monocle, but instead found a piece of French toast in his jacket; at this point, he heard (amidst now very distinctive lack of tinnitus) a male voice in Eastern European accent say “Brrrekfest ready, Mistterr Eeera”, smelled French toast and woke up. Laying in his 800 count - hot pink - Egyptian cotton sheets, Ira looked around the room to see if the voice he heard was real.

"Of course I'm real!" a raspy voice screamed. The raspy voice belonged to a shriveled old man who was standing in the center of Ira's room (which was coincidentally was painted hot pink), holding a (what else?) hot pink breakfast tray.

"Oh Adrian its just you. What day is it? How long have I been sleeping here on the set?"

"Erm, Meester Ira been sleeping many a moon, we was very worried."

Ira looked around the room and saw something strange; a cow was staring straight at him! It let out a loud moo and informed Ira that he was from Wisconsin.

"Perchance you hail from the Sheboygan region, my ancestral stomping grounds?" Ira asked hopefully.

The bovine creature was rather appalled by Ira's outragous question and his lacking sense of propriety.

Realizing that the acid has yet to wear off, Ira decided against driving himself to the matzah-ball eating contest and instead asked the cow for a ride. The cow mooed with delight and kneeled down for Ira to climb on, as he grabbed his hot pink 800 count Egyptian cotton sheets and tied it around his kneck for a cape - "yeehaw!"


e said...

After this is all over, I'll go over this to see who tagged whom. Then I'll make statistics and all that.

Sef said...

hmm.. we're missing Dovid's sentence.

The cow mood with delight and kneeled down for Ira to climb on, as he grabbed his hot pink 800 count Egyptian cotton sheets and tied it around his kneck for a cape - "yeehaw!"

Sef said...

I tag cheerio

le7 said...

Which is Dovid's sentence and where does it go?

Dovid said...


The Real Shliach said...

dovid, one of the great things about this new blogger interface is that you never have to leave a comment "subscribing"

sarabonne said...

Not even for the novelty?

Dovid said...

For me I have to first leave a comment with my google account, and then it shows a link on the bottom right to subscribe by e-mail.

The Real Shliach said...

Why don't you just stay signed in?

le7 said...

It has nothing to do with signing in. I have that issue too...

Dovid said...

Yep it has nothing to do with staying signed in.

Crawling Axe said...

Subscribing am I.

Cheerio said...

someone's got to start spell checking these sentences.
"The cow crashed through the window, Ira on his back, and took off into the clouds."

i tag sarabonne.

sarabonne said...

Unfortunately, at that very moment it began to pour acid rain.

I tag e.

e said...

"Ira Eric Green!" Ira Eric Green berated himself, "When are you going to quit fooling around and get back to real life?"

I tag our Chachol friend, Crawling Axe.

Crawling Axe said...

“None of your business,” Ira heard his own voice answer himself.

I tag le7.

Crawling Axe said...

This is turning out as some Gogolian or Bulgakian novelette.

Sef said...

a what??

Crawling Axe said...

A short story smacking of Gogol’s or Bulgakov’s style.

Sef said...

whats a gogol?

Crawling Axe said...