Thursday, May 21, 2009

Creative Decalogue Writing Experiment

I wrote this for someone, it has a few of the ten commandments in it . . . Let's put as many different commandments as we can! I tag TRS to continue it . . .

"My name is Ira Cohen.

"As a child I was always fascinated with shiny objects. Bits of tiny foil, glass marbles, pieces of metal . . . I would collect them all. I knew they weren't worth much, but in my childish mind, they meant the world to me.

"I became so excited about my collection, that my friend Billy also got involved. One day, Billy called me over to his house -his voice full of excitement.
'Look!' he told me. His hands darted to his pockets - and slowly produced a small gold ring. 'Look what I have . . .'
"I wanted it, I wanted it right away . . . The desire gnawed at me, it began to distract me from everything - school, games, life . . . I needed it for my collection.
One day, at Billy's house, I saw the ring sitting on his desk. When he wasn't looking I stole it. That evening I ran home and put in my drawer with the rest of the shiny odds and ends in my collection.
As the days went by, I forgot about the ring languishing in my drawer. A week or so later, however, my parents came to me. They asked if I had seen a golden ring in Billy's house. Apparently it had been a gift from his Grandfather, and meant very much to him. Guilt welled up in my heart, but I couldn't bring myself to confess my wrongdoing. Though an honest, child - one who felt so ill at ease to lie . . . the word's seemed to flow so easily from my mouth.
'Nope,' I told my mother, 'I've never seen it before.'
'Are you sure?' They asked me.
'Yes!' I answered. 'I swear - I swear to G-d that I've never seen it before!'
'If you see it,' they pressed on, 'you'll let us know . . . right? It was a very expensive gift!'

"I became nervous, I couldn't bear the guilt of stealing something from my best friend.
'I didn't see it, ok!' I yelled at them . . . 'No leave me alone. Just leave me alone . . . I hate you, when you bother me like that!'

"The next day in school I couldn't bear to play with Billy anymore. I became distant from him and our other friends . . . I became depressed, and my grades began to drop. By the time I entered high school, I no longer fit into the system. I made trouble, got into fights . . . When I didn't pass the 11th grade, instead of repeating it, I quit. Working odd jobs, I continued my downwards spiral. At nights I would get drunk and hang around with wild guys and girls like me. I would even use drugs. I couldn't hold down a job with such behavior . . . so I turned back to the one thing I knew I could do . . . I began to steal.
"That's when things got really bad. One day I broke into an old house. I thought it was empty, but I saw old lady inside. Worse yet, she saw me.

TRS:

We committed adultery. Then I worshiped satan. Then I violated the sabbath and murdered her.

48 comments:

The Real Shliach said...

I tag CA.

e said...

better e-mail him. I don't think he's gonna read this on his own.

Crawling Axe said...

Wait, are we violating only the 10 commandments or all of them?

Anyway, here goes:

I went out to the street, my hands shaking. I saw my neighbor walk on a street. I didn’t pay him any attention, standing, with my head resting on my arms.

And then I heard a bell. “Ding-ding-ding”, the bell was sounding in the night like a nightingale in a Japanese emperor’s garden. I looked up. My neighbor was leading a donkey, with a bell attached to its neck. At that moment I realized that I wanted that bell. And I wanted that donkey. In my mind arose a devious plan to acquire both — that very night.

Crawling Axe said...

I saw my neighbor walk on a street.

change to

I saw my neighbor walk home past me.

Crawling Axe said...

Oh yeah, I tag le7.

Mottel said...

TRS: LAME!
Crwaling Ace: Good job!
It doesn't have to all be sins, he can do some teshuvah after we have some fun with him!

I say that when E gets tagged, he use the mitzvos of Leket shichecha and peah, as well as being mefatim the ketores etc.

e said...

IMHO, lame it is not. I laughed at TRS' lines. Then a few minutes later I read it again, and laughed again. and again and again. I suppose lame is subjective.

le7 said...

So I stole the freakin' donkey, then gave it to a little girl on the street, then stole it from her again. Muahaha.

I tag E.

The Real Shliach said...

Thanks e!

e said...

After this fun and exciting vice-filled morning, I ran off to perform one of the most elusive of all sins: real basar b'chalav. To sin properly, one needs kosher meat and kosher milk cooked together. And I didn't trust any of these "kosher" butchers in my local 'hood. So I hopped in a taxi to Williamsburg (I didn't pay the fare) and went the most greasy, heimishe-looking, and hechsher-bedecked meat shop to buy some kid meat. Sneakily avoiding an irate taxi driver and the NYPD, I went home and cooked the meat in a pot of chalav Yisrael milk. As the sun set, and Yom Kippur rolled in, I took the steaming pot off of the stove and dug in.

e said...

I tag Dovid.

Dovid said...

After lying to my parents, stealing, eating trief deoraisah, committing adultery, murdering, and worshiping satan, I decided it was time to take this to a whole new level of transgression. I trimmed my beard and stopped doing the Tehillim part of Chitas, now I only do Cheit.

Sarabonne, please.

sarabonne said...

By this point I knew drastic change was necessary so I, with my donkey, toddled over to some shops on Nostrand and bought ourselves some stockings, flouncy dresses, and heels 6 inches high. I bought wigs, makeup, and dozens of accessories, my appetite never satiated. Platforms with shiny neon straps and glittery tops in flashy red colors.
Henry, still in his bunny suit, met up with us halfway through the escapade and helped us try on various slinky leather skirts with high slits. I even bought denim. I have to say...we got close. Very close.
Several hours later we emerged. I felt determined with an inner strength I had not known before, or perhaps it was the power of wielding a sharp heel. I had needed change, and I had gotten it. But there was one last thing to make it complete, the ultimatum, I needed a new identity, a new me. I grabbed Henry's hand in mine, and together with the doneky, walked down the parkway, renewed and proud.
I was now to be called Dina Light.
I tag Cheerio.

David said...

I stumbled on this website called http://chabadsearch.com it a portal where you can search google like u always do and they donate 1 cent to chabad houses for every search!

Thought someone might be interested.

Cheers!

Cheerio said...

somehow i did not realize i was tagged! but before i add, the critique - TRS WAS FUNNY. and so was LE7! and e. and dovid. and sarah, but by the time i read this, i'd heard her part like five times, so it didnt have quite the same effect as the others.
ok. so we're not limited to the Big Ten, right? just any old sin under the sun?

"I needed to celebrate my wondrous new discovery and joyous connection with Henry the bunny man. And how better than, in the words of the immortal bard, "wine and thou"? Immediately, I walked into the closest corner store on Utica, and purchased the first bottle of non mevushal wine I saw. But alas, I had no corkscrew, and no home with a corkscrew. So i begged the nice Jamaican man behind the counter to open it for me. After I batted my new false eyelashes at him, he graciously agreed. He poured the wine into two plastic cups he had behind the counter and handed it to Henry and I.
"Lchaim!" i shouted, and downed the glass."

Cheerio said...

and i tag mims. someone go invite her to join the blog.

The Real Shliach said...

Someone tell me her email and I will.

Anonymous said...

At length...

This synopsis of the life of the ultimate apkirsis is verging on the fundamentally unsound virtue of perfection.

But, and forgive me for such blasphemous words, the ultimate sin would be to turn on your sect. But dont do that. id never forgive you, or myself for giving you the idea. And i'd probably never be able to look at those rebbe pictures - you know the scary ones where his eyes follow you and his face mirrorsa a reflection of your spiritual conscience - why is mine alwasy bad?? - . anyway that was pretty lengthy for a non blogger like me. :)

Everyone's Favorite Heretic said...

Anon, why are you violating the sabbath?

Anonymous said...

things are not always as they seem :)

Anonymous said...

btw can someone tell me how to create a username without forsaking the one thing we all hold too dear to part with...our real names :p

lest the shadchanim learn how to use not only fb but blogs too. :( *scary thoughts*

The Real Shliach said...

sign into blogger with your user account and it'll guide you along the path

C said...

Anon-I don't get it. So what if the shadchanim find out who you really are? Maybe then they'll find a partner who is actually a good match for you.

Cheerio said...

C - right on, girl! i truly dont understand why people feel like hiding themselves is the right way to find a person to spend the rest of their lives with.

C said...

Cheerio-thanks for backing me up!

Anonymous said...

On the one hand i agree, and on the other well its like when your going for a job interview - you put on your best work clothes and try to makr a good impression. future mother in laws are the same thing - it not the boy who chooses you. initially its the m-i-l. :)
same deal. :)

g

The Real Shliach said...

Hilarious! Anon is a girl! Who woulda thunked it?

Crawling Axe said...

Bleh...

C said...

G-Ya whatever.

TRS-I thought as you did. Who knew?

The Real Shliach said...

CA: you're sweet.

C: but now that I read her previous comments I can see it.

Crawling Axe said...

My comment was regarding mothers-in-law.

The Real Shliach said...

Ahh. Is you having the experience with dem shviggeren?

Crawling Axe said...

Not yet. And not me. But future is still ahead of most of us.

The Real Shliach said...

truthful words thou typest.

Anonymous said...

hahahaha funnily enough i belong the female species.

anyway why has everone diverged onto nothingness ie. mother in laws (and why does no one ever mention the father in law) the story was just getting to the verge of interesting enough to make a hollywood movie out of.

g

e said...

anon, maybe you want to supply the next installment?

Anonymous said...

of craziness.....sure how long does it needs to be where do i start :) *yay i think this means initiantion :P *

g

The Real Shliach said...

It means you need to get a google account before anything goes up.

sarabonne said...

Ho hum, I wonder how many people are subscribed to this.

C said...

heh heh, some just opened a can of worms :)

I shall enjoy this.

The Real Shliach said...

One is skeptical regarding the potential for enjoyment.

sarabonne said...

Ok so that's 2 people so far...

The fake C said...

Ha ha, trs. You are so funny. You made me chuckle and then I guffawed.

e said...

who was that mysterious anon?

The Real Shliach said...

I'm sure none of us have the faintest clue, eh e?

e said...

I really do not.

e said...

(I was talking about the anon from 2009, not "the fake c.")

sarabonne said...

We never found out, nor got the next installment.
ok so that's 3 people subscribed. 4 if the fake C isn't one of the 3.